2026 May 25

my family has a small little property in duchesne county. my great grandparents bought this property in the 70s and bought a 50s trailer and affixed to the property and built upon. it was sold to a family friend in the early 00s and then my parents bought it about 8 years ago.

i love it. its only 2 acres and the trailer/building(?) is a total POS, but I love it. it has so much history and charm to it. my great grandparents and their friends and family did such bogan jobs on almost everything. its honestly amazing the thing is still standing today.

we just got back from the long weekend up there. and as much as i love it, im glad to be back home. our hot water heater took a shit a few years ago and we haven’t replaced it, so we can’t really shower unless we want ice cold water (it sucks so bad). we also have a septic tank system but is pretty small and expensive to get pumped, so usually we gotta use the outhouse. over the years we’ve made the outhouse much more “pleasant” to use, but it’s still far from being a nice experience. i won’t go too far into the details.

im also happy to be home because i frankly can’t stand some things up there that my parents do/enjoy. 3 things in particular:
  1. wind chimes. my mom has probably 5 different wind chimes and its so. fucking. annoying. i just hate wind chimes in general, but i can tolerate maybe 1 or 2, especially if they are quieter (like the bamboo ones). this is too much. one of them is ginormous too. and it doesn’t help that it gets reeeeally windy up there sometimes.
  2. if you’re awake, you’re listening to music. all day, every day. my parents cannot enjoy their time up there without music. and to make it worse, the music they enjoy is very mid, sometimes bad. especially the glam metal. i’d consider myself a metalhead—but glam metal is almost worse than nails on a chalkboard. when they drive into town and i’m there alone, i love to just sit there and enjoy the silence for the brief time that i can. i love music and listen to it a lot, but the constant 24/7 music drives me nuts.
  3. white lights. my dad strung bright white christmas lights (like 5000K white) on the ceiling of our porch awning. my parents love them and turn them on every night. maybe im just too anal about the whiteness of my lights, but i hate this so much. 5000K has no place in an otherwise relaxed, evening setting. id argue it has no place in the home at all, unless you have a shop—and even then, im not so sure. and its just sooo bright too. my dad says “warm, yellow light is so depressing. the white light makes me happy” which i think is funny because i am the EXACT opposite. fuck white light, i will die on this hill. my choice is 2700K for most things, but my bedroom lamp is 2175K and i love it so much, its so relaxing and perfect to read under.
i did get back into TotK up there though! i put a little over 100 hours into it since release, last playing it about a year ago. i probably put 10ish hours in over the weekend. i’ve yet to beat it, i’ve been trying to either 100% it (wish me luck) or at least get kinda close, before i beat it. i finally found all the lightroots in the depths and almost all shrines in the overworld. slowly but surely im making my way.

i also had a few fires. i have my own little “campsite” up there where i can get away from everyone and just enjoy myself. i’m not too confident in calling it a campsite though since its mostly only a little fire pit and “accessories”. i do all my digging with my hands or sticks or rocks and all my construction with the same. “primitive”, if you will. the only thing unnatural is i used a lighter to get my fires started, because doing it with natural resources is a total bitch—ive never been successful at it. i have a little enclosure made of logs, rocks, and bark that i use to keep firewood stowed in to keep dry (it rains a lot). i have a bunch of rocks, a few that stand out for being very useful for different tasks. my favorite rock is my “utility rock”: it is narrow, fairly flat, slightly larger than my hand, and just feels so comfortable to use. i use it mostly for digging, sweeping (or smoothening), and fire stoking. i have another rock thats flat, light, and very thin that i use for fanning. and i have a nice rock thats fairly square and pretty flat, roughly 1 sqft in area—i don’t use it as much, but i used to use it as a cooking plate for my fire. my first time using it i cooked hot dogs on it. it took forever, but it worked—i did drop the hot dogs in the dirt though (i still ate them though, i put too much hardwork into making them). and i have a few other rocks that are just nice to use for various other purposes.

one thing i really wish we had up there was some sort of natural water source. i wanna make mud on demand and make some mud bricks or something, but being on the top of the mountain our only real natural source of water is precipitation. and while we get quite a bit of rain, we don’t have any rainwater collection system—and besides, id feel icky using it for my “primitive” activities. i feel icky enough having to use a lighter to make fire. i don’t really know of any good ways to collect rainwater using only the natural resources up there.

yesterday we decided to have a bon fire of sorts that went on for most of the day time. we had (and still have) quite a bit of dead trees around the property that we had to get rid of, so we just cut them into smaller pieces and burned them. maybe not the most environmentally friendly option, but it was easy and it works. if you want, fire marshals will come and do the same thing but on a larger and more controlled scale, just to help keep your property safe from accidental fires.

needless to say, i reeked of campfire smoke the entire weekend.

oh i also got an early inheritance! i mean, it’s not that much of an inheritance, but i was pretty happy about it. my mom and dad wanted to do a shot so she got out a couple shot glasses, one of which was a nasa one! apparently many years ago when my dad had a job in texas, he stopped by johnson space center in houston and got a shot glass. i asked if i could have it when they die and my mom was like “bro just have it now we have so many shot glasses”. so i snatched it, joyfully.

lastly, i have this interesting painting in my room up there. it came from my late great uncles house. my mom really liked it and took it to bring up to the property and put in my room. this was a few years ago, and i didn’t really have any particular attachment to it then. but over the years ive grown to enjoy it. i don’t even think its a real painting, it seems like its just a print on a canvas with added texture. but its still strangely pleasant to look at. many a time i have woken up and just laid in bed staring at this painting. i dont really find any deeper meaning in it (sorry art connoisseurs), but i have grown attached to it in a way.







2026 May 19

im a pretty security conscious fella. i often get called a tinfoil hat. i was even going to school at one point to work in IT.

today i carelessly installed malware on my work computer.

IT had to confiscate my computer for several hours to clean it up.

literally so embarrassing. i genuinely feel so ashamed of myself. i know better than that. the computer was even throwing warnings saying “ayo this file aint so safe brosef” and i just said “stfu no one cares” and then IT grounded me from my computer for the rest of the day for being a bad boy.

i had come back from a meeting when all of a sudden my computer is missing. thought someone was pulling a prank on me. while i was looking and asking around, my boss came and got me and brought me to the bigger boss and told me im fired.

just kidding they were actually like mega chill about it and just told me how to not do it again lol. and then introduced me to the software i was trying to download since its actually pretty cool and useful. but man the level of embarrassment i felt is unreal, especially because i absolutely knew better. im going to blame this one on sleep deprivation.

i went hiking a few days ago. first hike in a few months; first hard hike in probably 9+ months. and boy it beat the absolute shit outta me. i went home, somehow managed to hop in the shower, and then crashed for about 10 hours. and then the next day i was still exhausted af but i stayed up late to go see a movie with a friend. needless to say i was tired the next day (yesterday). and then yesterday i stupidly drank tea after work so i didnt get much sleep last night either. so i guess blaming my little oopsie whoopsie on sleep deprivation isnt totally out of the picture. im still feeling it today from the hike that i did 3 days ago.

i know its not even that big of a deal. like i said, my boss(es) were super duper mega ultra blue eyes white dragon chill about it, and everyone else was chill about it. but i cannot help but feel utter shame. the kinda shame that just fogs your entire brain, makes you feel like everyone hates you, and makes you just wanna go home and sleep for 20 hours straight. i do not handle embarrassment very well, apparently. might explain why i am so shy.

i did see my psychiatrist for the first time recently. she wants to do at least one more appointment before diagnosing me with adhd, but she so far feels pretty confident that i have it. she also suggested maybe a bit of autism as well. so i guess we will see soon enough. she was absolutely wonderful, but boy i feel i did not perform well. i know its not a “performance”, but every time shed ask me a question, i feel id know the answer but i couldnt articulate it properly, or even give good examples. afterwards id think of perfect examples, but not during the appointment. so many times i would just draw blanks—i had the burt chance syndrome: “think! think! all i can think of is the word ‘think!’”

i noticed i also couldnt really say anything with a straight face. thats not to say what i was saying wasnt true by any means—i just constantly had a little smirk especially when talking about more sensitive or vulnerable subjects. over the years ive come to realize i just cant really take myself seriously when i talk. i struggle to open up to anyone without feeling that my feelings are insignificant and aren’t that bad. i think i heard “someone always has it worse” as a kid and developed the mindset that my problems don’t matter because others have it worse.

i feel like a deep thinker but not a deep talker. but i dont know, maybe the “deep thinking” is all just a facade (melons). maybe im not deep at all.

will i ever feel content with life? my entire life ive suffered from “arrival fallacy”. im constantly telling myself that i will be happy when X happens. then X happens and i tell myself i will be happy when Y happens. and the cycle continues. in fairness, i am still young and growing and am not settled into a career or otherwise stable lifestyle yet. but i dont have any reason to believe being settled will make me feel content.

i was miserable in high school; thought being graduated and going to college would be better. during college, i was miserable and thought a full time job with no school will be better. now im in a full time job (albeit temporarily) and miserable and think grad school will be better.

to predict the future: i will be a miserable grad student thinking that being done with school and working as a researcher or whatever will be better. and then i will become a researcher or whatever and be miserable and think that when im am able to move onto the next project i will feel better. then the next project comes and the cycle continues. i feel after being “settled down”, after earning a phd, there wont really be much more “advancements” to achieve—it will kinda plateau—yet i will still be miserable.

i dont want to say im unhappy, per se. in fact, id say more often than not im in an above average mood. but that doesnt mean i am necessarily happy with life.

if you havent seen the movie Obsession by Curry Barker yet, i would strongly advise you to see it. absolute theater. it was one of the best horror movies ive seen, probably ever. first movie in probably several years+ to make me jump. i damn near flew out of my seat. it didnt feel generic and i loved it.





2026 May 01

its over! spring semester 2026 is now behind me. what a relief. maybe not as much relief as i was hoping for, but its better than nothing.

now i start a full time job. how lame. im glad i was able to get this job, and its a great company, but i just dont really wanna work in this position, ya feel? its process engineering, aka manufacturing engineering, which already sucks balls. on top of that, its for medical device manufacturing which im not interested in at all. and just to give me one last kick in the nuts, the projects im starting out on arent even ee related. the product im working on has no electronics, its pretty all plastic (its an femoral artery catheter… how exciting). alas, i shouldnt complain too much, im very lucky to be able to have this job.

im just so happy im done with school. this will be my first summer off in a couple years at least. i submitted my last thing last night. it was a final project that i shouldve started on a couple weeks ago last week, but i decided to start the day prior. doubt ill get a good grade on it, but i turned it in—thats all that matters. 

i wrote out a list of things id like to get done over the summer, though im sure ill continue to procrastinate those too. i think the biggest thing i wanna do is complete ground school (online) for my ppl and maybe do the faa medical exam. i am stressed about the medical because ill probably have to jump through some hoops to get certified since i will most likely be diagnosed adhd (my adhd evaluation is in a few days). but, assuming i can get certified, that certificate will be valid for 60 months. and once i complete ground school, i can complete the faa written exam which is only valid for 24 months (but not necessary after getting ppl, i think). so i might do ground school and then take the exam later this year or early next year. then ill try to start flying and get my hours in. and when im ready, i can do my checkride and become an official ppl holder!

i realized something recently. i have never gotten anything but A’s in all of my college math classes. thats Calc I–III, Linear Algebra & Differential Equations, Partial Differential Equations, and now Probability & Stats. and I went to check my K-12 grades as well, and while not straight A’s, i didnt pretty damn well then too. once C+ (sad), a B+ (a little less sad), a few A-’s, and the rest A’s. turns out i tend to be pretty alright at math lol. whoulda thunk.

over the past week or 2, i decided to pick up majoras mask again. people of the internet are quite amazing and were able to decompile the N64 version of majoras mask meaning it can ported to run natively on modern hardware with the added capability of mods (well, it made modding more accessible, that is). its honestly amazing being able to play it on my computer at 60+ fps (as opposed to the original 24 fps) and faithful graphics and a few more QoL mods. it was such a blast to play. i decided to 100% it as well! it was surprisingly fun and not very tedious to do, compared to something zelda games (looking at you, minish cap… i still love you though). thats what i spent a decent chunk of my time doing while procrastinating that final project lmao.

oh i also started running! a little over a week ago ive been running almost every day. first few days i started out doing just a mile until i was able to do a fully continuous mile (no stop, no walk—only run). then the last 3 times, including today, ive done 1.5 miles. 2 of those times was fully continuous (the first and last) but the other one i had to take 2 short walk breaks. overall i think im doing great! for some reason ive been getting the impulse to just go out and run, so i do. its not one of those things i have to force myself to do, necessarily. i wanna get fit again, i wanna have some good endurance to me.

thats all folks. thanks for reading my bs :)





2026 Apr 06

i am actually bawling right now...

only a couple minutes ago as of writing this, the artemis ii crew proposed names for two currently unnamed craters, 1) integrity, named after the name of their crew’s orion capsule, and 2) after reid’s late wife, Carroll.

i just lost it man, there was no holding back. it was beautiful. jeremy was the one communicating these proposals with Houston, and it was clear he was having a rough time getting the words out. and the other crew members, at least reid and christina (i could barely see victor) were visibly shedding tears. then they shared a sweet group hug.

godspeed artemis ii.





2026 Apr 04

as of today, I have a few major goals I want to achieve in life. roughly in order (may have some overlap. subject to change), they are:
  1. graduate with my BS in EE (in progress)
  2. move out on my own; be independent
  3. watch artemis iv launch in person (highlight of my life, perhaps?)
  4. earn my private pilots license
  5. graduate with my BS in physics
  6. earn a PhD in physics, probably astrophysics
along with some other goals that cant really be placed in a chronological list, like get treatment for mental health, find love, get that bread, etc.

i am generally not a big planner type person, historically ive been more “go with the flow”, but i feel having these goals helps out. they are large enough and mildly vague that i dont have to worry about the specifics of them right now.

i’ve been working on my BS for about 5 years now (i was doing part time for a while and i changed majors, gimme a break). ive been fairly committed to that, but i started going at it hard once i changed my major to EE and went full time. and part of the reason for it is to pipeline into my plan to finally move out on my own and be independent.

once im on my own, hopefully fairly soon after my spring 2027 graduation, i would like to be working on building my savings and getting more experience with social life and over adulthood. i’d like to go to pilots school to earn my PPL which will probably take me 6-12 months or so, and $10-15k. not entirely sure how big of a savings i’d be able to build during this time; i guess it will depend on how well i am getting paid and my living situation. i feel out of everything, this is my least concrete goal, especially since its a lot of hard work and money yet doesnt contribute much to my subsequent goals—its more of a hobbyist goal.

if all goes to plan, artemis IV, which will be the first manned moon landing since 1972, will launch mid-2028. if i am in a good place to do so financially, id love to be able to fly out to florida and be able to watch the launch of it live. given the goosebumps, emotions, and investment i’ve had with artemis ii, i can only imagine what seeing the launch of artemis iv will be for me. ive genuinely gotten teary eyed a few times during artemis ii lol—and they havent even made it to the moon yet as of writing this.

maybe starting spring 2028, id like to go back to school part time to earn my bachelors in physics, which will hopefully only take 2 years, and then use that to boost me into grad school. however, i may be able to get away with a post-baccalaureate to get into grad school—i’ll have to do more research into which is the smarter option for me. either way, id like to be in grad school maybe around 2030 or so.

anyway, grad school will be a several year long full time job, a shittily paid one no less. im not sure where i would want to go though, i think thats something i will determine after my BS phys/postbac since I will have a clearer idea of what exactly i want to do, which will govern where i will go. either way, i want to do research, and i want to make a true contribution to science.

after my phd, im not entirely sure. but thats roughly a decade into the future at this point so i think i have some time to think about it. i guess it also largely depends on what field i go into. though i feel id like to go intro industry instead of staying in academia.

among all of this, all i know for certain though is that i dont want to be stagnant. as much as i would love to finally have some free time, which i think i still will, i dont want to have no goals in life. i dont want to just work my 9-5 job, go home, eat, sleep, rinse, and repeat for the rest of my life. i want to keep striving towards something, i want to keep pushing myself to bigger and better things. 

what i really need to do though is focus more on the now. i keep finding myself fantasizing too much about my goals (like im doing right now) rather than actually focusing on achieving those goals right now. i procrastinate hella bad. im hoping my adhd evaluation soon will help out a lot with that along with regular psychiatry/therapy appointments.

ive been watching the artemis ii livestream all day man. often times theres not much going on, but its so cool to be able to listen in. the crew has done a few interviews with the media already which is a lot of fun to watch, but its also fun watching them float around the orion capsule doing work and communicating back and forth with the houston command center and such. there was also a neat little conference earlier; i was really into kelsey young, nasa’s science officer, because she seemed genuinely so passionate and so excited about answering peoples’ scientific questions. thats the kind of passion that really inspires me.

while the livestream has been on in the background, ive been trying to get my EM homework done all day. i ended up only getting one out of the two done… mostly because it was kinda difficult imo, but also largely because ive been too invested in this damn moon mission man lmao. ive just been struggling to stay fully focused on my homework.

p.s. oh yeah btw i forgot to mention i got the internship! got the offer letter yesterday morning. that means i dont gotta worry about doing nothing over the summer! and looks like the offer extends out after the summer is over, so i can even stay working there if i wanted during the next semester. im not sure if ill do it yet, but it would definitely be nice to have a consistent income during school along with gaining more real-world experience.







2026 Apr 02

for as much as i listen and think about music, i feel like i should be a musician. lately ive been bingeing tf out of TOPS. ive also listened to some of their stuff under the name “silly kissers” which is so silly, but the music slaps pretty hard (edit: ok by "their" i mean jane penny and david carriere. i thought the third person was also in TOPS but i guess not). they only have one short album, and the production seems pretty low quality, but its got such a sweet charm to it. i dont know how to explain it.

as for TOPS though, ive been listening for close to a year at this point. first song i heard was pirouette and i was hooked immediately. that song i think will forever slap. the only song i like better than that one i think would be “too much” off the same album. i recently started listening to their debut album, tender opposites, a lot more too…. cant believe ive been sleeping on it for so long!!!

listening to a little classical right now. i am not a huge classical fan by any means, but i have a smallish playlist with pieces i fw. though dimitri shostakovic has almost ruined the rest for me, hes just that good. i found i mostly enjoy heavier pieces though, mostly allegro and the like.

artemis ii launched yesterday!!!!!! watched it live and i was getting goosebumps man. ive been following artemis ii for like 2 years now i think, its awesome they finally launched! godspeed to the astronauts and every single person involved in the project.

i still cant decide on grad school or not. i mean… i probably shouldnt even decide yet, its too early. my plan right now is to finish my BS in EE (one year left!) and then hopefully go back part time shortly after to get my BS in physics while working full time in engineering. and theeeeen after that is when i would enroll in a phd program if i decide i still want to.

idk, just something about it feels like its calling to me, you know? i know its going to be many years of hair pulling misery with barely enough $$$ to get by, but besides that, i think it would be so cool to contribute to science, answering questions that have never been answered before. i think research would be dope. but im honestly probably romanticizing it. im not sure. like said, i probably shouldnt even be deciding yet, its way too far down the line.

a few days ago i had an interview at my moms work for an engineering internship. ive applied for several internships and havent heard back from anyone. but my mom was able to talk to her work and nudge them towards opening a summer intern position. so i applied and interviewed. i did almost nothing for the 24+ hours prior to the interview except for prepare for it. i studied and practiced. the day of i paced our coffee table for literal hours just talking and rehearsing out loud. but i think it was worth it. i somehow did very well in the interview. despite being nervous as hell, i didnt really show it and i was able to answer their questions pretty well as well as ask a lot of good questions. afterwards apparently the main interviewer (out of 4), the one who would be my boss, had told one of his employees that im a genius???? i genuinely have no idea what i did during the interview to be deserving of the same title as sir albert einstein, but ill gladly take it. but yeah, given that and given the other (limited) intel ive gotten from my mom, i think the internship is mine.

the internship will be huge for me. without it, my summer would probably be doing absolutely nothing. maybe some part time gig if i could score one, but i feel that would be unlikely. there are no classes i could take over the semester that would count towards my degree. the only exceptions to that, if you consider them “classes”, are internships and research. i would definitely consider research if the internship was off the table, but im not sure how hard it would be to get a professor/researcher to accept you as a researcher (or RA? im not sure what it would be) for the summer. its also not paid, which sucks.

with the internship i get 1) college credit, 2) real experience, 3) a possible in at a company down the line, and 4) that bread. im very excited about the bread because im lowkey pretty broke rn.

im currently writing this while im procrastinating lol. of course i am. im trying to get my probability & stats hw done but i kinda hit a wall. its interesting stuff but im so done. this semester has drained me, and i cannot wait for it to be over. 2 and a half weeks…. 

a few weeks ago i had my first doctors appointment in several years. it was a virtual appt with a new doctor discussing adhd eval. unfortunately he said he doesnt really diagnose adhd, so he referred me to one of his psychiatrist colleagues… and that means i need to wait another 1.5 months to get evaluated :(. at least im making progress though. i really think a diagnosis and treatment will help me out so much. i feel on paper i look like im doing pretty well for myself—ive always gotten pretty good grades (mostly), i had a good job with coworkers who loved me for some reason. but brother id be lying if i said it didnt feel like an internal struggle every single day. and it only feels like its getting worse.

maybe ill try to get back into writing more again. i like it. i can just type whatever comes to mind. so much better than my writing class that stresses me out like no other. i dont have to worry about sounding proper.

toodles. i think im gonna crash and finish my prob & stats hw in the morning (thats code for im procrastinating as much as possible). buh bye now





2026 Jan 26

i am feeling pretty lazy today. i wanted to get up early, go donate plasma, and then go to school to study for a few hours before my 3 pm class. i did originally get up and out of bed at 6:30, but soon went back to bed and got up 2 hours later. and now im still home, writing this! i think after this i will actually get up and get ready and leave.

i’m not a big movie watcher, never really have been. most of the movies i watch are with family. but i did recently, by myself, rewatch one of my favorites! tokyo drift. such a great movie dude. every time i watch it i have to refrain myself from buying a rwd car.

speaking of, i reaaaaally want a miata. theres so cute and small and they seem like so much fun. i currently have a newer civic si, which is fun as hell dont get me wrong. but its fwd, has an electronic parking brake, has annoying rev hang, and has several other annoying features. theres been a few times where a car in front of me is turning, so i brake and slow down, but when they are most of the way through the turn i start speeding up. i can see that it is safe to speed up and then im at no risk of hitting the turning car. but my car, being the baby it is, likes to slam on my brakes for me. lovely :). maybe miatas, at least newer ones, have similar issues, im not sure. but i still really want one! if anything i want it for the fact that its such a small car. i hate large vehicles. i daily drove an f150 for about 4 years and it sucked, so i went out and bought me a tiny little ’99 subie. his name was cornelius. such a fun car, i miss it.

im currently obsessed with a musician named Clark Rainbow. shes like pinkpantheress, who is also one of my favorites, but better? theres a part in her song “Care” where the beat stops but she continues singing, but then the beat continues so smoothly. i dont know why but that part gets me every time, i love it so much. i think its just how smooth the beat starts up again, it works so well.

i’ve also gotten back into Nightwish again. they are probably my all time #1 favorite. they were my spotify #1 for two years in a row, and theres a good possibility they will be #1 again this year. recently, like a week or so ago, i actually heard something ive never heard before that introduced me to some more bangers. in their album Endless Forms Most Beautiful, they have a song called Greatest Show on Earth. is a 24 minute song. absolutely fantastic. but i was listening to the instrumental version of it, and at the very very end there is a lyrics, i think spoken by the songwriter, Tuomas, that says “It never seems to occur to people that a man might just want to write a piece of music.” which is apparently a quote from a 20th century composer, Ralph Vaughan Williams in regards to his 6th symphony. so i checked out this 6th symphony. and that shit is fire. its so good. its been in my top 5 tracks for this last week on spotify